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I’m a once-single mum of two boys (4 and 8) who was ‘attempting the ordinary’ after conceiving my second son by donor. I'm now married and pregnant and its complicated - again. These are my anonymous ramblings about life, love, parenting and the rest – emptying my head of the weird, the wonderful and the mundane. Hope you enjoy.

Saturday, 22 December 2012

.. and it still hurts

Didn't realise how long it was since I posted. Twenty days.

It's hard to write without Crush 2.0 in my life. It's like the spark's been sucked out of me.

We had a brief thawing of hostilities.. couple of FB chats and was friendly at Open Mic last week. Then had a quite intense FB chat about the nature of identity.. in which he basically accused me of not being myself and being confused about who I am, apparently just because I have different aspects to my personality. Initially all jokey but there was some venom behind it. Hasn't spoken to me on FB since and only briefly chatted at Open Mic.

And it hurts, it still hurts.

I've done my Open Mics, and keeped on keeping on, and wrapped presents, and put up trees and decorations, and hugged my children.

I even released my EP and people bought it.

And it hurts, it still hurts.

I just don't know how to pull myself out of this. I've written songs, brilliant songs, but I can't play them at his Open Mics, because what would be the point.. only make things worse. I did that to begin with but I don't think it helped anyone.. not even me.

I went to a great solstice ceremony at the beginning of the week - an early one! - and I felt a lot better after that, let go of a lot of stuff... but the problem with letting go of your anger at someone, is that you 're then just left with how much you miss them.

And I do miss him still, every day - and its worse when I've seen him, because I'm the reminded of how not close we are.. how indifferent he is towards me, after so much intensity, so much interest from him for so many months.

When I felt the way I did about him, when I had his attention, I opened up, I was more myself, I wasn't scared of the world, there was someone in my life that understood me, that liked me for what I was.. and for all the toing and froing and will he won't he rubbish, it still felt good.

Without it I'm left wondering what the hell happened. That's what makes that conversation on FB so hard.. the person I thought really got me, really understood is accusing me of not being true to myself.

One of the worst things has been DS1 crying about it. It's not like he saw Crush 2.0 much anyway, but I guess in his whole life no man has ever stayed over here, hung around for the day, no man has ever cooked for us. I wonder if maybe for a while he felt like it took the responsibility off him... someone else was making Mummy smile, looking after her.. because I think boys do feel that responsibility if their mums are on the their own.

Anyway, he misses him, says 'I want normal Crush 2.0 back'. Because like me he doesn't understand this change. I try to explain that Crush 2.0 is hurt because of something and so he's behaving like this.. because I'm sure that's the case.. and DS1 just says 'but you didn't do anything mummy'.. and he's right, I didn't.

I just want to feel alive again, I just want to stand in a room with him and feel what I did.. or if I can't have that I just want an explanation, and I know that's unlikely to happen anytime soon. I'm so torn at Open Mics.. it's so great to be around all my friends and feel like I'm part of something, but then there's Crush 2.0 and not being the way I was with him and that kills me.

So that's my update.. I'm off to C2BM's gig tonight which I'm hoping will cheer me up.. but can't dance because my ankle's screwed, and there's the painful reminder that after his last gig at the same venue was when Crush 2.0 came back to mine after and held me all night of the first time. It's not looking good is it.. maybe today is just one of those black mood days and tomorrow it will all not feel so bad again.. cross your fingers for me eh?

Anyway, here's wishing you all a fabulous Christmas and New Year.. and thank you to all of you who have read and commented this year and followed this craziness for the last few months... it's appreciated so much more then you will ever know xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

6 comments:

  1. I'm sorr it's taking time. It is very hard, not least when you've had some unpleasant run ins following some better ones. Aside from humans being allowed to be complex, I think people without children often don't get that when having children, aspects of your personality will change and it is not always appropraite to behave in one said way. I know it won't be any consolation, but if he can't see someone genuine staring him in the face, that is his issue. But merry christmas and good luck with the EP sales. xxx

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    1. Thank you! And I think the stuff about different aspects to personalities is mostly him projecting his own stuff on me... which doesn't really make it any better! Have a great Christmas too xx

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  2. Oh I think you're allowed to still hurt - I wish I could say something to magically make it better - and at the risk of stating the obvious, how much harder it must be to see the boys affected to. You have to console yourself with the fact that it's not your fault, that you ARE you and true to yourself, and if he can't respect and accept that, then there isn't much you can do about it - you don't want to change yourself to conform to what he thinks he wants - that would be the worst irony.

    I hope you can have some peace and joy this Christmas. Lots of love and well done on the EP sales. Makes me wish I knew who you were in RL so that I could buy it too ! xxxx

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    1. Thank you - much appreciated! It is just hard right now... but I guess it does just need time.
      And if I ever decide to reveal my RL identity you'll be the first to know! xx

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  3. Please don't take heed of his comments about not knowing who you are. From all the things I have read about Crush, he's done so much hot n cold blowing that it's hard to know who he really is. I'm so sorry that it's making you feel so shitty. If it's any help I'm thinking about you and hoping that your Crimbo has some peace and joy.

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    1. thank you.. and yep, it is definitely much more about him than it is about me.. just wish he'd sort himself out!! Hope you have a great Christmas too - with the festive pox!! xx

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